Fear of failure? Fear of success?
What looms large...that stops me from starting or continuing or even trying?
The critical eye! I see it there in front of me...often in another person's face...that face of disapproval. How do I put that critical face, that often appears before me in another person's demeanor, into reality?
The disapproval looms like the terrifying monster in the story about the little girl on the mountainous road.* She was faced with a choice of paths, each guarded by monsters. She faced the choice of enduring one monster's behavior versus what appeared to be the gentler monster's path. She chose the quieter easier way first.
The little girl proceeded for a time on this path but all the while she could hear the other monster roaring and yelling and screaming behind her. She could see it behind her becoming more and more violent as it watched her walking away. On impulse she went back to the fork in the road where the screaming monster raged and began walking on its path.
The little girl looked back to the "easy" road that she would have taken just in time to see part of the road fall away to destruction down the side of the mountain. She turned back to the road with the scary monster and kissed that monster on its nose.
I am an artist. I paint with oils. I paint with words. I have something to say...for others to read...for me to reflect and internalize. My words can be a mirror that becomes brighter, less cloudy, less mirky.
Ah but the critical eye...my own...my reader's. It's Kramer's "stink-eye" from the Seinfeld TV episode that in reality cannot kill me no matter how terrifying. It's not the raging mother's disapproval that I might have at one time connected to the impending pain of a spanking. It's not the inherent reaction of a child's risking deadly abandonment by a parent. It's clouds across my cornea like cataracts that make me mis-perceive. I hold mySelf tight in terror of the critical eye.
Being authentic, building that emotional intelligence muscle, takes daily work, daily exercise. "Morning Musings" are my reps. I'd rather be lazy and not put mySelf, my words, out there. Some days I will have more courage than others. Some days I will be more able for others to get to know me more deeply. Some days, when I have the courage, I will get a response that's painful. It might launch me back to a safe cave with no light to reflect in a welcoming mirror.
Reps...go ahead...one by one. "Kiss the monster on the nose"...
*"Kiss the Monster on the Nose" as told in Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families (1988), Friel & Friel.
Another site that you might find interesting: www.marilynmason.com